Drowning
by Tattysecondhandbook
Summary: Beca was drowning. Deeper and deeper. Drowning deep into the depths of depression. Rated M for mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
1. Drowning

Trigger **warning: mentions of depression, self harming and suicidal thoughts.**

Beca was drowning.

Drowning, drowning, drowning.

Deeper and deeper.

Drowning deep into the depth of depression.

She had made a grave mistake - not that all her other mistakes in life hadn't been grave. Yes, Beca was a downright idiot. A downright idiot who was drowning down deep into the depth of depression. She discovered a new meaning of depression every time she made this same mistake over and over again.

However, this mistake was particularly grave as, not only had she not taken her anti-depressants, she had poured them down the drain. As per, she'd read online that someone had done this and realised they didn't need their pills anymore, and, ever the foolish one, Beca had truly believed that she could do the same. And she could stop living life on forced happiness - she could just be happy.

Now Beca doubted happiness was in her radar of emotions.

Sadness was there. Loneliness. Emptiness. Longing. Hatred. Self-Loathing. They were all clearly on her radar. But happiness? She wouldn't know where to find it if someone gave her clear directions.

So here she was. Unable to will herself to get up out of her bed. Unable to do anything more than stare at the ceiling as she spiralled into the sounds and shouts of the voices in her head. The voices. They had started off as tiny whispers, telling her she had fucked up, telling her she wasn't worth any attention for her stupidity. Then they got louder - telling her she wasn't worth anything at all. And louder - she was never going to make it in the music industry and should give up embarrassing herself. And louder - nobody loves her. Nobody could ever love her. Not even her own father. And louder - if she was worth nothing, if her music was crap, if nobody loved her, then she had nothing to live for. And louder - maybe she should just put herself out of her misery forever.

And that small voice of hope telling her everything was going to get better was slowly diminishing to a barely audible whisper, drowned out by the loudness of the voices.

Beca knew. She knew she needed to get up and fix this. She knew she needed to go and get another bottle, she knew she needed to get back on the medication, she knew it was prescribed to her for a reason.

But she also knew that she had a lighter in her drawer, and a sharp needle in her bathroom.

She had been clean for six months.

Six. Months.

She deserved a reward for her efforts, surely? If only she could will herself to move. But she couldn't. She was weak. She deserved a punishment. Maybe this was her punishment. Being paralysed with mental illness - that way she couldn't eat, she couldn't go to class, call anyone, get help, and most importantly; she couldn't cut.

Well, fuck.

Another day passed. She was in the same spot as the past four days.

And then she got the call.

And that was when she made up her mind.

She was going to drown.

 **A/N: this was just an introduction. Hope you liked it!**


	2. Spiralling

That's it. It's all over. They're gone.

She had nothing left.

There was no need for her in this planet anymore. All she was was toxic. Everyone who ever gets close to her, ends up being poisoned. She deserved nothing more than this. She didn't know why she was waiting. Staring at the water, thinking her final thoughts, she was hurting.

Really hurting.

What hurt even more was...nobody else seemed bothered. Nobody had tried to find her, pedestrians just walked right past. She'd been idiotic to think anybody cared, she knew that.

Not even Chloe cared.

She must have gotten Beca's message. And she hasn't attempted to even say goodbye. Well, that does it. She clearly wasn't wanted. She climbed up onto the ledge. All she had to do was jump. And the current would take her, hopefully to a better place.

A red car screeched to a stop, and a redhead jumped out. She saw a figure on the railing. Chloe had never felt such relief and pain at the same time before, nor had she ever been religious, but looking at the small figure now, knowing she wasn't too late, she almost got on her knees and thanked the heavens.

But she could do that later. Because the figure had stuck their foot out.

" **BECA!"**

Beca whipped around, almost losing her footing. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were stained with tears. She had a lighter in one hand, her phone in the other.

"What the fuck? I don't hear from you for a week, get a voicemail from you at 3 in the fucking morning, thanking me for being your friend and saying goodbye? What the fuck? And I find you standing at the edge of a fucking bridge?" Chloe yelled at her in disbelief, tears also trailing down her cheeks as she stormed up to the girl and yanked her from the railing.

Beca just broke down in uncontrollable sobs, stumbling forward, away from the bridge, and almost falling to the grass. "I'm sorry!"

"Okay, okay…" Chloe said, moving closer and wrapping her arms securely over the younger girl, lowering her to the grass and sitting next to her. "What happened? Why are you here, ready to…"

Beca just collapsed in her arms, crying and shaking like there was no tomorrow. "They're gone, Chloe!"

"Who are? Beca, what is going on?" Chloe asked in concern, wondering if she should take Beca to the hospital, this certainly wasn't a state anyone should be in.

"They're gone, they're gone! It's all my fault!"

"Beca, listen to me. Take a deep breath, and tell me what's going on so I can help."

"No one can help me. Can't you see!?" Beca screamed, bowing her head and fisting her fingers through her hair and squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm defective! I'm a bomb! I get close to people and it all blows up in my face! Stay away from me, before I kill you too!"

" _Beca!"_ Chloe snapped her out of it, quickly taking the lighter that the brunette had begun to press out of her hands, fearing for Beca's health more than ever now. "Shh, you are not a bomb. Now, take deep breaths. That's it, shh, we're both fine and I'm not going anywhere. I promise,"

"P-promises don't exist." Beca whispered. "They give false hope. Grandma promised me. But she broke it! I broke it! And they're gone!"

"Who is, Beca?"

"Grandma and Grandpa. They wanted me to come for Easter and I didn't even _move_. If I had gone, they'd still be here. It's my fault. I killed them."

Beca had reached past the point of a break down. She wasn't even crying anymore, just staring off into space as she spoke, a horror-stricken look on her face. She was rocking back and forth slightly. She looked as if she was losing her mind with the weight of an ugly guilt atop her heavy shoulders. Chloe looked at her, really looked at her, under the soft glow of the street lights. She'd lost weight. Her cheeks were sullen, her eyes had purple circles under them, as if she hadn't slept in days. And her wrists.

God, her wrists.

There were red lines on them. Cuts. Fresh cuts. Physical wounds that only added to the gaping mental wounds inside. Some were deep, others barely made more of a scratch.

Chloe wanted to throw up.

She knew Beca had cut before, at some point in her life, because she saw and felt the scars in rehearsal once. But they were old, so she hadn't questioned it. Beca seemed normal enough, happy enough, most of the time, so Chloe had thought it a thing of the past.

Chloe had been wrong.

Beca's hair was unruly and she certainly hadn't had a shower in a while, either. She looked shattered. Something had truly shattered her. Sent her spiralling. Spiralling into this state.

"Beca, you didn't kill anyone. It wasn't your-"

"I did. They needed me, and I didn't go. Grandpa's memory was getting worse. I was supposed to renew his prescription and I didn't, because I wasn't fucking there. And where was I? Fucking being a useless idiot! Lying in bed whilst they died. What kind of granddaughter lies in bed whilst their grandparents die, Chloe?" She asked in a whisper. "WHAT KIND?" Beca roared, making Chloe jump. "A depressed kind! The-The kind who throws away her fucking meds on purpose! That kind. He forgot to put out the fire before going to bed. And open the floo. The whole house burnt down. They burnt to death." She shook her head manically. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't be here. I should be dead, like them _. I should have burnt with them_!"

"It was a tragic accident, you don't deserve to-"

"I DO! I always have. Don't question it, Chloe. I was going to go the same way. Burn to death. But then you came. Why didn't you just let me die, Chloe? Everybody else hates me. Sheila, Jesse, the Bellas. Grandma and Grandpa was all I had left. And I blew that up too. No one wants me on this world. All I do is fuck everyone else up. I'm a fucking insecure, antisocial, depressed bomb. I deserve to blow up. Tonight was the night. I was going to join Grandma and Grandpa and mom and Aunt Carol. Burn myself to death. Go just like they did. And if that didn't work, I'd jump. Either way, I'll be dead by sunrise. So just leave, Chloe. GO! FORGET ABOUT ME! It's hard enough having to leave you! You're the only one who cares about me here! But I can't live like this. I can't live knowing I killed them. Let me _die_."

"Beca, none of us hate you! All the Bellas think what you did was great, it just threw us off. Jesse's a dick who is trying to change you into his idea of a perfect girlfriend, and he's only being nonchalant because he knows it's not working. I know you were close with your grandparents, and you grew up under their care, but Beca; your grandparents wouldn't want you to do this. You'll see them again someday, and they'll be with you always. But committing suicide is the last thing they would want. What would your grandpa say if he was here and you told him what you were gonna do?"

"He'd call me an idiot and probably ask me to take him with me because he can't stand another day of Grandma's tuna casserole," Beca chuckled, her eyes lightening slightly as she talked about her family.

"And what would your grandma say?"

"She'd take it as a joke. And tell me that if I really do it I better not come back to haunt her, or else she'd die to haunt me too." Beca said softly, before showing a watery smile and looking at Chloe. "Grandma would show me why I shouldn't do it. She was a lot like you, Chlo. Always happy, always caring, always cracking jokes and smiley, but she'd know when to get serious."

"Exactly. And even if they aren't physically here, right now they're up in heaven, I'm sure they'd both be too upset to cope, knowing that their granddaughter committed suicide. You have eighteen years of memories, sweetheart. And your grandparents are gonna live on inside you forever. In everything. In what you do, and how you act, and how you remember them. I for one would never smile again if you did this, Beca. Everyone wouldn't be able to cope, not even Aubrey." Chloe nudged her. "Don't you see, Beca? Of course you're going to be depressed right now, you're grieving. And it's gonna feel like you'll never be happy again, but I promise you, you will."

"I haven't been happy for three years Chloe. What makes you think I'll ever be happy again?" Beca said harshly, glaring at the redhead.

Chloe put the comment aside for the time being. "You are _so talented,_ Beca, and even if you were to throw your life away, I can't let you throw away your talent. There are still so many people out there who need to hear your work, and they're going to."

"I'm never gonna eat Grandma's casserole again!" Beca wailed, some sort of realisation hitting her. She began to sob uncontrollably, body wracking and shaking. "I want my grandma!"

"I-"

"They were my grandparents!" She choked, her cries of utter heartbreak sounding out through the streets.

Chloe had never seen anyone like this, in so much pain. It scared her. It made her want to break too.

"And they will always be your grandparents," Chloe told her softly. "And if you were to do this, Bec, believe you me, I'll be in the same state you are. I'm sure planning a funeral for two people is enough, three's a crowd. Now, I want you to throw that lighter in the river, okay? And promise me you're not going to kill yourself."

"Chloe-"

"PROMISE ME, BECA!" Chloe shouted, tears she'd been keeping in this entire time finally rushing out as she gripped onto Beca's wrists and stared into her eyes.

"I promise I won't kill myself." Beca said shakily.

"Again."

"I promise I won't kill myself." The brunette nodded.

"Here," Chloe gave her back her lighter. "Into the river. Come on,"

Beca stood up, shaking as she stepped towards the edge of the bridge. Chloe kept a firm hold on her arm, knowing that she'd be able to catch Beca if she had the sudden impulse to just do it. She watched as Beca threw the lighter away.

"Good." Chloe took a deep breath. "Come on, Becs, you did good. I know they'll be more proud of you for refusing this urge than for actually giving into it. I'm taking you back to mine and Bree's, okay?"

"Okay." Beca said distantly. "I'm sorry." She almost broke down again.

"I know," Chloe said softly, leading Beca to her car.


	3. Hurting

"Chlo?" Aubrey asked gruffly, squinting through the bright light as she watched her best friend walk in, carefully guiding a tiny brunette with her. "What is she doing h-"

Aubrey clamped her mouth shut once she saw the look Chloe gave her. It wasn't a look she received often, but she knew that when she did receive it, she needed to hold her tongue. It was a warning.

"Beca?" Chloe asked the girl softly.

Beca, who had her eyes cast down at the floor, barely blinked at hearing her name. "Yes?" she whispered.

"How about you go take a shower whilst me and Bree make up the guest room for you?"

Beca left without another word, walking sluggishly and almost on autopilot.

"What's up with her? Why is she here at four am?" Aubrey asked as soon as Beca was out of earshot.

Chloe bit her lip. She didn't really want to talk about business that was Beca's, but she knew she needed to tell the blonde so she knew not to say anything that could trigger the DJ. She pulled Aubrey into the room furthest away from the bathroom Beca was in – Aubrey's room - and shut the door.

"You can't tell anyone this. I shouldn't even be telling you but you need to know," Chloe warned her.

"I won't," Aubrey promised, seeing how serious Chloe was being and assessing that it must be a serious situation.

"Her...her grandparents died in a house fire and she was really close with them. She thinks it was her fault and, because she felt like there was nobody left who cares about her, she tried to commit suicide tonight." Chloe said lowly, looking up at the blonde with sad eyes. She gulped. "If she hasn't sent me a voicemail saying bye and I hadn't gone to look for her, she would have drowned by now."

"Shit...oh my god..."

Chloe could see Aubrey was pretty shaken up, her best friend having gone very pale, how she usually looked before she threw up. "Aubrey, don't. I'm not letting Beca leave here without one of us with her. We have to be careful and mindful that she's in a really bad state. Don't bring anything triggering up like fire or your grandparents or drowning unless she brings it up first."

"She's gonna need more professional help than just us." Aubrey worried.

"Only after she's ready for that." Chloe sighed. The redhead looked down and blinked back tears. "Do you...do you think she's tried to do it before?"

"No." Aubrey says quietly. "I don't think she would have tried before – because of her grandparents. But without them she had nothing else to keep her grounded."

Chloe and Aubrey were waiting in the kitchen when Beca walked into the main living room area. She was dressed in black short shorts and a black tank top (Chloe's smallest one, so she knew it would fit Beca), and her hair was still wet, pulled up into a bun. It was odd seeing her fresh out the shower, because she had no makeup on. The heavy eyeliner had washed away, and it made her look a lot younger than she was. She looked like she could be about 15.

Somehow, it made her seem all the more vulnerable.

With Beca wearing shorts, Chloe could see more marks on her thighs. Either Beca didn't remember that they were there, or she didn't care who saw them at this stage. They looked like burns.

Chloe felt sick again.

Beca had been deliberately burning herself with that lighter.

Chloe almost felt like this was her fault that Beca got this bad - if after regionals she hadn't kept her mouth shut when Beca was looking to everyone for validation for changing the set list, then maybe Beca wouldn't have thought that everybody hated her, maybe she wouldn't have thrown her pills away, maybe she wouldn't have lied in bed for days, maybe her grandparents wouldn't have died, and maybe she wouldn't have tried to commit suicide.

Or maybe, none of that was a correlation of what she did, or didn't, say.

Beca didn't make eye contact with either of them, only padded over and took a seat at the island.

"Here, Becs, Bree made you some hot chocolate," Chloe said sweetly, handing Beca the mug.

"Th-Thanks." Beca whispered, not looking at either of them as she held it. Her eyes were puffy and red – she had obviously been crying in the shower. Taking a sip drew more tears to Beca's eyes. She bowed her head, unable to keep them in and letting them fall to the floor.

"It's gonna be okay," Chloe said softly, reaching over and wiping Beca's cheeks rid of hot tears that only kept cascading.

Beca sniffled.

"Beca, when was the last time you ate?" Aubrey asked.

The brunette shrugged.

Aubrey tensed. She could tell Beca hasn't been eating enough - the girl looked almost sickly, and had lost a tiny bit of weight since Aubrey last saw her. "I'm gonna make you some yolk soldiers, okay? I want you to eat them all."

Beca put her head down on the table, so her cheek was pressed to the island and her eyes were staring blankly at her mug. She didn't bother argue, or speak. She didn't bother tell Aubrey that she didn't want to eat, hasn't wanted to eat in days. She didn't bother mention that soldiers was exactly what her grandpa used to make her every morning before school. She didn't bother wipe the tears dripping down the side of her face onto the island. She didn't even want to bother breathing, truly. But that wasn't her choice.

Unfortunately.

Instead, Beca sat, more or less lifeless with her eyes fixated on the mug. Chloe watched her carefully for a short while, before seeing that Beca wasn't going to move, she got up and went over to Aubrey, and they exchanged truly worried looks. Neither captain knew how they were going to go about looking after Beca, and they needed to know because Beca needed to be looked after.

Aubrey finished up the soldiers quickly, and laid out the egg cup and plate of toast - actually cut to look like soldiers (Aubrey had a cookie cutter for everything) - in front of Beca.

"Here you go. Eat up before it gets cold," Aubrey said softly.

Beca got herself up to a sitting position. Her bottom lip wobbled as she stared down at the meal. Unsurprisingly, it was a trigger. Beca hastily pushed the plate and the two egg cups away, dropped her elbows on the table and her head into her hands, and let out many many sobs. They came hard and fast, made her body wrack with every one. Aubrey froze, not knowing what she'd done wrong, and feeling her stomach drop with a sudden guilt and heartbreak at making the poor girl cry, whilst Chloe didn't know whether keep a distance or run up to her and embrace her. She decided to go halfway, stand next to Beca and rub her back soothingly.

"M-My Gra-Grandpa made th-this for me ev-every morning!" She cried.

Aubrey had never seen someone as tough as Beca like this before, so distraught, so broken.

The seniors waited for Beca's crying to cease a little. The blonde hastily wiped her cheeks, feeling guilty for upsetting Beca.

"I'm so sorry, Beca," Aubrey whispered, quickly taking the plate away and hiding it behind the microwave. This was the last thing she wanted.

"Bec…" Chloe said softly. "Let's take a really deep calming breath, okay? Ready?"

Chloe inhaled deeply, and Beca tried to copy her shakily, but she immediately exhaled out a hard sob.

"It hurts!" Beca cried out. "I-I can't-"

She stumbled up from the stool, and shakily rushed to the guest bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She couldn't do this. She couldn't. She'd been hiding for so long, keeping her emotions locked away for so. Long. She was at breaking point. There was only so much a person could take.

And Beca had reached her limit.

For anyone who had ever grieved before, they understood exactly how she felt. It would never get better - she knew this. Grief was bitter and cold. It consumes you entirely, eating you from the inside out. It weakens you, so much so that eventually some die from a broken heart. Beca was entirely convinced that there was no pain worse than grief, it hurt both mentally and physically. And grieving for one person hurt enough, but grieving for two at the same time...that was deadly. That had the power to kill you, one way or another. It had done so to many people before.

Sooner or later, it would kill her too.


End file.
